This is John Howland. Like George and David, for several years in the 1960's I was sexually abused by Neville Davis. I am very grateful to George and David for their willingness to publicly acknowledge their own abuse. I am also thankful for George's efforts to reach out to others that may have been victimized. This blog is an important part of that effort.
As you read these words, perhaps you too have been a victim of sexual abuse by Davis or someone else in your past. I hope that my words will be of some help to you as you try to come to terms with the abuse and find healing. Perhaps you have not been abused, but know someone that has. I hope that you will be able to minister to them, to help point them in the direction of healing.
I was born in 1953 and started at the Park School in kindergarten. Mr. Davis was my 5th grade English teacher. Those of you who knew him, will recall that he was a real charmer—dapper, charismatic, funny, rakish—a real Pied Piper. We were all enthralled with him. Yet, despite the power of his personality, he wasn’t much of a teacher—he was using his talents for other purposes.
At Park School it was not uncommon for teachers to invite students for special activities on the weekend. Mr. Bourne, for example, was forever taking students up to New Hampshire to climb Mt. Monadnock. Mr. Davis would take groups of students on weekend skiing trips. I remember being thrilled that I could join one of these junkets. Nothing inappropriate happened on the trip, but it was the beginning of a process of seduction.
Subsequent to the skiing trip, Davis invited me on a series of trips alone with him to New Hampshire for the weekend, to Martha’s Vineyard where his parents had a summer home. In retrospect, from the perspective of 2009, it seems amazing that a 12-year-old boy would have been allowed to spend the weekend alone with a teacher. Yet, this was 1965—before pedophilia became a household word. More importantly, Davis knew how to pick his victims. I was lonely, insecure, craving attention and affection—I was emotionally very vulnerable. My parents had just gotten divorced, my mother was in poor health, and my father was busy with work as a corporate lawyer. Parents trusted Park School and its faculty. It perhaps didn’t seem so unusual that one weekend I would go mountain climbing with Mr. Bourne and the next weekend go off with Mr. Davis. Unfortunately, no one realized that while Mr. Bourne intent was honorable, Davis’s was nefarious.
Sexual abuse by a pedophile is usually not a violent act. Davis was never violent with me—he was seductive and manipulative. This is typical of pedophiles. Pedophiles don’t need to physically "overpower" their victims. A reporter for the Boston Globe put it well when he wrote about pedophiles: “Their game is as much mental as physical. For many pedophiles, the thrill is largely in their ability to manipulate a child into various sexual acts and them intimidate him or her enough to maintain the relationship. Much of his satisfaction comes from having control over a ‘weaker creature.’” This was certainly true for Davis. Through a clever process of seduction and manipulation he led me to engage in sexual acts repeatedly over a period of several years.
I never told anyone that I had been sexually abused. I locked the whole affair away in a dark closet in my brain and never thought about it, at least consciously. Yet, the abuse was not dormant—it had toxic effects causing me to have persistent feelings of inadequacy, inability to communicate with others at a deep level, preventing me from being able to love and be loved. Sexual abuse does that to people, acting as a deep-seated infection poisoning the body, yet not seen on the surface. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s and had experienced a powerful religious conversion that I was able to bring the abuse into the open, into the light of day. Thanks to the great love of God for me, I was able to overcome the shame, the fear, and the embarrassment of admitting that I had been sexually abuse. The first person I told was my wife. She was incredibly kind and supportive. I then told a colleague—in a round about way. Let me describe that in a little detail.
I am a family physician by profession. Like all family docs, I treat lots of folks with serious psychiatric problems. In the mid-1990’s, shortly after telling my wife about my abuse by Davis, I began to feel a need to speak to a psychiatrist—not for myself but for help in dealing with my patients. I met several times with a colleague and we discussed difficult patients. It was professionally very helpful and gave me great insight in how to help these patients with special problems. In the course of those meetings with the psychiatrist I revealed that Davis had abused me. What had been a professional meeting soon became psychotherapy. I can’t describe in words the great sense of relief I felt at getting the corruption out of my system. I felt clean, as if a great putrid abscess had been drained and removed from my body.
In 1996, after my sexual abuse was out in the open, I decided to track down Davis and confront him. I managed to get his phone number and called him. I said, “Hello, Mr. Davis, this is John Howland from Park School.” He replied, “I’m sorry but I don’t remember you.” This was the most painful part of the whole conversation. He did not remember me. How could he have forgotten? He had acted as if he loved me, but I was just an object, a tool that he used to satisfy his own depravity. I recounted for him what he had done to me, how he had sexually abused me. He gave me a vague sort of an apology, but didn’t admit to any wrongdoing. He said, “I suppose I made some mistakes, as we all do, but that’s in the past.”
I wondered, how many other young boys had fallen prey to his lust? At that time Davis was 65 years old. I wondered if he was still actively pursuing the satisfaction of his pedophilia. As you may know, pedophilia is usually a lifelong condition. I called the police hoping not so much that they would arrest and punish Davis, but that they would prevent him from abusing anyone further. The police did not pursue the case because it had apparently passed the statute of limitations. However, they did alert the local authorities in the town where Davis was residing, to let them know that he was a sex offender. I hope and pray that Davis’s criminal behavior has stopped. I pray that some day he will acknowledge the horror of his actions. I pray that some day Davis will be able to offer a sincere apology to his victims and more importantly an apology to God. Please join me, if you are able, in praying for the soul of Neville Davis and for all his victims.
It took me thirty years to admit to myself or anyone else that I had been sexually abused. It took thirty years for me to find healing from the damage done to my heart. Have you suffered sexual abuse in your past? Please, don’t be afraid—find someone you can trust and talk with them about what happened. Seek out a good counselor. If I can be of any help, don’t hesitate to contact me. I can be reached by calling 508-764-9800. That’s my work number—just say you’re an old friend and leave your number. I’ll call you back.
